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Name: Marie
Country: United States
State: Ohio
Metro: Dayton
Birthday: 6/23/1986
Gender: Female
Interests: Friends, family, politics, feminism, religious studies, women's studies, reading, writing, drinking, much more...
Occupation: Student
Message: message meEmail: email me
Member Since:
8/10/2005
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| I almost completely forgot that I had this account. It has been literally years since I've even looked at it. However, someone that I once was subscribed to (back in the days when myself and my friends still posted regularly) recently made a post. It reminded me, "Oh yeah... I have a Xanga!"
I intended to delete this account a while back. However, I decided against it (obviously) because the more I thought about it, the more I didn't want to just throw away the 3-4ish years of my life that are logged in this little internet storage space. Of course, I have still been blogging. I have kept a consistent LiveJournal since fall 2005 (keep all snide comments to yourself). Also, in summer 2007, I created an account on Blogspot (then deleted all the entries and started over at the beginning of this year).
This particular blog, therefore, has been forgotten for a long time. So, I decided to stop by, re-read some entries, and then write a quick entry just for old time's sake.
Wow. Just... wow. It is so weird reading about the person I was before now.
Since few people knew about this Xanga, I basically allowed myself to remove my "filter" and really write what I felt inside. Many of these entries hold so much passion, so many feelings (not all of which were ever resolved), and so many memories. Because of this, as I have been re-reading these entries, I have had tears in my eyes. Not so much because of sadness, but because it is just so hard to believe that my life is this much different than it used to be. My life has just changed so much.
Before I go, I will make a few short statements about my life now:
1) I am finally graduating college in two weeks. Graduate school is pending.
2) I still am having trouble finding a job.
3) I did finally make peace with other Christians.
4) I am very hesitant, however, to label myself with any particular religion anymore. So let's just say that I love my God and leave it at that, okay?
5) I do not smoke anymore. The struggle to quit all those years was rough. Now, I finally feel that I am in control of whether or not I smoke. The cigarettes do not control me-- I control THEM now.
6) Likewise... I have received a lot of help with my alcohol abuse issues.
7) Counseling has changed my life so much for the better.
8) I am still with HR. We are celebrating two years together in five days <3
9) After four years of memories, I finally officially left all organizations that I was once involved with.
10) I finally moved out of 2070 last summer. I have lived in 2090 since September 2008. HR and I are here for the rest of the school year, and then we are (FINALLY) moving off campus. I couldn't be happier. After six years, I am long overdue to get out of Wright State campus housing. | | |
| I haven't updated this for months... so I will now.
It has come to my attention that certain people that are in my acquaintance (note that I did not use the word "friends") have said some pretty hurtful things about my relationship with Heather... well, at least it's hurtful to me. Basically, I heard through the grapevine that some people have doubted my relationship with God and my validity as a Christian because I'm dating Heather. I had a feeling that some people were, and someone who shall remain nameless due to privacy reasons confirmed my suspicion recently.
All I have to say is that if you are going to make snap judgments about me without really knowing what's going on in my life (because believe me, some of the people who have been talking don't know the first thing about me or my life OR my relationship with God)... then you had better check yourself. Think about what you're doing. Because trust me...you have no right to talk about whether my relationship with God is "valid" or not. Do you have a perfect relationship with God? No? I didn't think so.
Normally, people making snap judgments about me isn't a huge deal. I'm used to it. But this is just too personal. People don't see the loving relationship that Heather and I have. They don't see that this is THE only person who has ever treated me with the respect I deserve. They don't see that this is the only person who has made me feel beautiful, worthy, and loved. The only person who didn't start dating me only because they wanted to get under my skirt. All they see is sin. They just don't believe-- or can't believe-- that I'm actually happy and that I'm the happiest and healthiest I have ever been. Do you know that I've considerably cut down on drinking since we've dated? And that my mental state has improved vastly? Or, that Heather is the one who ultimately inspired me to finally quit smoking? Seriously. Ask my counselor if you don't believe me. I owe this all to both Heather... and my relationship with God. Which, believe it or not-- BOTH are going extremely well right now.
Truthfully, I want to just let them talk. Because soon... within the next few months... a major secret is about to be revealed that will completely take everyone by surprise. This secret will not only shock the crap out of everyone, but will also completely put some people in their place about what they've been saying about me. I can't wait to do it. Then, I will simply let everyone know that this should be a lesson: don't jump to conclusions without knowing the entire story.
Not everything is what it looks like. And trust me... my relationship is included. It is totally NOT what you think it is. And when you find out... boy, are some of your faces going to be red.
That's all I have to say. Until that day comes... I will continue to know what's being said about me. Keep talking, you pious jerks. Keep up with that holier than thou attitude. Because you're in for a RUDE awakening.
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| I'll be honest. I'm sort of like Scrooge. But not really. I won't lie, it's the holiday stress.
I just plain don't care for Christmas. Especially this year... man, I'm really NOT feeling it this year.
But
I am, on the flip side, quite happy for New Years! This year in
particular. I am NOT sad to see 2007 leave. Bring on 2008, baby! I'm
ready to get my party on! Which I will. But, sorry Dayton friends... I will not be in the area 
I'm even starting to think of New Years Resolutions. Hmmm....
Things that Marie needs to stop doing:
- Going to bed without taking off makeup
- Sleeping until way past noon
- Running around in my workout clothes
- Making half-hearted plans with friends that never follow through
- Checking out books from the library, but never even open them
- Drinking so much Starbucks
- Staying up so late IMing people
Just some things that I should probably keep in mind... | | |
| I have absolutely no idea why I have not deleted this blog. I never use it.
That's okay, though. Deleting is so... permanent. You know?
I guess in the end, it doesn't really matter. The girl who used to write in this blog no longer exists. I'm not her anymore. Or maybe I never really was her. Maybe it was all just an act. Just a facade. A mask I wore to protect myself from everyone. Maybe... at this point, anything is possible.
I don't know. It's just all too weird. It happened too fast. Maybe I'm saying this because I'm in a particularly dark mood right now. Because truthfully, I am just plain lonely without Heather being in the area. We're on a break right now (at least until winter break is over), but we are still talking on the phone for about 2-3 hours per night. Our relationship may have taken a step back, but I am putting forth hope that we will be able to make this work. I don't care what anyone says-- I really do love her and I'm not afraid to say it. Yes, we got into a huge fight that almost completely broke us up, but we've talked it all out. We're fine now. I realize we both hurt each other, but that's something that I sincerely think we can learn from. All I can do is put forth my best effort, and the same goes for her. I know that some of my friends are probably not going to understand why we have made the decision that we did, but I couldn't care less. Right now, one thing that is consistently on my mind is the fact that I am willing to do whatever it takes to make this work. I'm not going to lie: I'm praying for this to work. However... I will say this: no matter what happens, I refuse to cut her from my life. If I can't have her as my girlfriend, then- as much as it will hurt at first- I will have to focus on just being her friend. Because I've said it before and I will say it again: I'd rather have her as a friend than nothing at all. I care about her way too much and way too deeply to change that.
I miss her so much that it seriously kills me.
I really hope that she can see this. Because, given the current circumstances, I don't want to push my luck and say anything. We're in that "together but not" stage right now, and I don't want to put any pressure on her. I don't want to make her feel smothered. Right now, we both need time to grow. Pushing things now would ruin things forever.
Still... knowing that fact doesn't make it all suck any less.
I think I'm going to try to go to bed. Try being the key word. | | |
| It been ages since I've posted, so I guess I'll make one now. Why the hell not?
Last night was...eventful, to say the least. I went to Boogie on the Bricks and I ended up having simultaneous panic and blood sugar attacks. I honestly don't know exactly how it happened or why, because for a while I was honestly having fun and felt very relaxed. It all came on completely without warning, and once it started it gained momentum very quickly. It was so weird; Sarah and I were just standing amid a very large crowd by the entrance to Millett and I suddenly started feeling very bad. My chest felt tight, I suddenly couldn't breathe, and my heart started pounding. We left the crowd and I went to a part of the crowd where less people were so I could sit down. As soon as we sat down, I started having a full-blown panic attack. But it didn't end there: I also got very lightheaded and started shaking violently. I pulled myself up and in a panic, I started searching for someone I knew who may have a car, and the first person I saw was Ashley Keen. I went to her and asked for help. She said she was parked all the in Forest Lane, but our friend Nicole was nearby so we recruited her to take us there since there was no way in hell I was going to be able to walk. It wasn't a pretty sight: I ended up having to sit back down on the quad because I felt so dizzy and I was shaking so hard (which compelled Ashley to sit on the grass and start praying for me... even in my shaking and panicky state I couldn't help but smile at that because it was just so her). I got out of there safe, Nicole took us to Ashley's car, and Ashley ended up taking Sarah and I to CiCi's so I could get something to eat. I was fine once I ate and my blood sugar was leveled out, but the whole thing was very scary. It was also really embarrassing. I hate it when I get sick in front of other people, especially like that.
It was also very humbling, weirdly enough. Kind of like a slap in the face. Like my body is saying, "Hey you! Just because your kidneys are okay that doesn't mean you're off the hook!"
*sigh* It's funny that even after a major, major success like, oh, not losing my kidneys, I still am not totally better! This sucks. I hate being diabetic. I really seriously fucking hate it! I feel like I can't do anything right. My kidneys may be fine, but the rest of me doesn't seem to be. It's really frustrating. It's like my success means jack shit because at the rate I'm going, I am not sure if I'm ever going to get better. And I'm so angry about it. Part of me just wants to say "screw it" and stop trying, because I'm just that sick of this pattern of constantly taking two steps forward and then one backward.
Pray for me. I think I'm going to need it.
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